Different Night

Tonight has been different. Poor J fell asleep about 5:30. He has not eaten dinner. He has not been out for a cigarette, which is probably a good thing because the rain has been falling for the past couple of hours. Usually, I am the one who is sawing logs before the clock strikes six. Therefore, something must be off with him. It is an unusual thing for J to do.

The whole reason I am blogging is that I went to look at the unread blog posts I have in my Google reader. I have read this one blog for just about nine months, this couple is ready for the delivery of their first child. I found this woman in a forum that I would go to when we were actively trying. It was one of those moments, which I felt like there was a giant clock hanging over my head ticking my fertile moments away. Time I will never be able to get back.

Yet, I have many moments where I am feeling that I am still 18 and have my whole life in front of me. Elastic skin, great body with little to no imperfections, clothes that fit in all the right places and wrinkles creeping in around my eyes. Ok, so that is how I keep myself in reality, always with the wrinkles. I figure my skin still has to be elastic. I lie down and hold a mirror over my face I look good. However, when I sit up, the skin sags a little and I look a bit more tired. My great body is not because of an extreme exercise regime. I have not had any kids; I do not need exercise. Those small imperfections are those varicose veins that have shown up and parked along my upper thighs somewhere in the past couple of years.

The best is yet to come. Because I have quit smoking, my tops have become a little better fitting. Not such good news that it meant a new bra size, but good enough that now my tops are tight enough to make me look like I have breasts. I am sure that none of this has anything to do with the fact that I just realized Hershey’s took their “May contain nuts” clause out of many of their chocolate products. Alternatively, that I substituted banana bread and chocolate pudding when the desire for a cigarette swept over me. Despite it all, I have managed to not smoke again, but gain 15 pounds, which is why my clothes are tight and I have bigger breasts. This is all happening because I am almost 40, right?

Someone forgot to tell me that I am closing in on the big four o. I still act, think and perceive the world around me through the eyes of an eighteen year old. Sometimes, I think that I need to ready myself for a new world. Perhaps, time to grow up. On the other hand, I am quite happy with all that my life is right now.

I think that is it for tonight. I am going to go get ready for bed. I still have three more days of vacation left. Yay, me.